A little help can go a long way

“It was then that the teachers got into the act. V Rajasekharan Nair took Rs 2 lakh as loan from a service cooperative bank, for which five others stood surety. The other 80-odd teachers of the 3,200-student school combined to put in Rs 1.33 lakh most of it from Provident Fund (PF) loans. Malini Devi borrowed Rs 50,000 from a relative's fixed deposit, recalls the principal.”

#

True Happiness comes when you put a smile on another's face.

Goodbye

It was one of those days which stick in your mind no matter how old you grow.

It was the 17th of August, 1998.

I hadnt slept well the night before. Not without a reason for Wipro was scheduled to visit our college for a campus interview that day.

With a mind rapidly oscillating between tension and anticipation, I remember driving down to college that day dressed in a white van heusen shirt (for the first time in my life :)) already feeling a bit lost and out of place.

Seeing the same “I am scared but I wont show it on my face” look on many of classmate's faces, I eased up a little.

The written test was much easier than I had expected and I settled for a long wait for my interview which was scheduled at 9:30 PM in the night.

I have had several extruciating waits in my life but that one must rank among the most painfull. I waited and watched quite a few of my classmates enter and leave the room displaying a wide range of emotions a kamal hassan would have been proud of :)

In the end after what seemed like an eternity, I was called in. With trembling hands and a heart beat faster than schumacher, I remember entering that room. What followed was a surprisingly pleasant conversation instead of a nightmarish situation I had conjured up in my mind.

By the time, I came out, I was back to my confident best almost sure that I would be selected.

It took another 3 hours for Wipro to announce the result. I still remember sitting of the steps in front of my class room talking about my dreams and the life ahead with a friend who goes by the name Vishnu. Both were selected but he has left wipro long back for pursuing higher studies in the states.

What is clearly etched in my mind about that night is the drive back home on my trusted kinetic honda. If there is one moment in my life worthy of the song,

aaj mein upar,
aasman neeche,
aaj mein aage,
zamana hai peeche,

it was that.

The cold wind running through my hair, the biggest smile possible on my face, the empty roads ... It was a surreal moment alright :-)

The smile on my mother's face when she heard is yet another moment etched on my mind.

So why I am writing all this ?

Tomorrow is my last day at Wipro. After 3 and a half years, I will be going to a different companynext monday onwards.

How does it feel ?

A little bit of nostalgia. A little bit of sadness. A little bit of happiness. A cocktail of emotions is perhaps the best description.

Wipro was fun. I had some of the best colleagues a man could ask for. In the end, nothing lasts forever. I had to move on lest I run the risk of being stagnant proffessionally and financially ;-)

So if you have been mailing me at my wipro email id, send them for the time being to anand at this particular domain. I will update you when I get the new one.

I dont know what is in store for me in the new place. Life is best lived moment to moment and so will I.

Al vida. I will be back :-)

Damn it. There is a tear hidden somewhere behind my eyes waiting to come out ..

I guess, only when you walk out of something, you realise what you are losing ...

Happy Birthday

It was the october of 2001.

Our client, a small internet based startup, had already been hit hard by the late 20th century collective madness , the dot com boom ( and the subsequent bust ). 911 proved to be the killer blow for our project and we parted ways saying solemn good byes. Faced with nothing to do, our situation was something like that of soldier pulled out of a gruesome war and put in a budhist monastery. We just couldnt take the silence and lack of work.

After days of tea time terrorism discussions and idea generation sessions, we invented creative methods to spend time like network roadrash races and chatting.

Now ever since Internet was introduced in the late 90's by VSNL, I have been online. Those days, you had to fill a form, send to VSNL chennai office and then wait for a good amount of time before VSNL send you back the connection details. Over the last so many years I have done most of which can be done on the net except for one thing : Chatting.

Why ?

Right from my childhood days, I have been this shy silent guy whom you will more often find in a corner reading a book than in the centre of a crowd talking. This has changed considerably over the years but still in many ways I remain such a person.

So chatting was not something that came to me easily. But when it came to text chatting on a computer, I had a small advantage. It is my belief that I am a better writer than a talker. So armed with a keyboard I was a wee bit more confident than I would be otherwise. Using a combination of instant poetry and fancy icons, I managed to build huge friend list in my messenger within a short time.

It was during this period that I met the person for whom this post is being written. The first thing that stuck me is the unabashed joy of living seen in the person.

I need to digress again and detail a personal quirk. By the by, a complete listing of my personal quirks might take more space than my host provides :) Anyway this one details my friends. A long time back when I was an antisocial nerd ( I still am in a small way ), I had oh so serious friends, People who find it easier to quote Nietzsche than wear a smile on their face. Luckily this guy stepped in and more or less changed the way I used to go about life. Ever since, I have been fascinated by people who are genuinely happy. Pretty soon, my craze for chatting died a natural death but my friendship with my new friend endured.

Thus in the strangest of circumstances started this special friendship. Now I have a couple of friends who could perhaps one day start a new cult among them with the title, “The Joy of Living” :-)

Today is my little friend's birthday and so here comes the wish for which the whole post was written.

Happy birthday, my dear friend.

Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar

It was a day on which the english dictionary was found wanting. Reporters / Commentators were left gasping for words while sachin painted a smile on a billion faces.

As I sit down to write this , I realise the simple fact that I am trying to do the impossible. To put down in a few words what sachin means to us, what he did on March 1, 2003 and what he has done over the past so many years is beyond my limited grasp over the language. Come to think of it, mere words are not enough. Sachin is something more. Sachin is something else. To call Sachin a cricketer is to say Jesus Christ was a man. The least one can say is there are two types of cricketers : Sachin and then everyone else.

I am sure there will be a few people still left cribbing if India fails to win the world cup. I have only pity for those people who can see a one millimeter wide black mark on a twenty thousand run long canvas. They must have got the answer to the much debated who is the best question last saturday. If they require any more clarifications, please ask them to get in touch with a one Mr.Shoaib Akthar.

I have not seen Picasso paint but I have seen sachin bat. I have not heard Lord krishna play the flute but I have seen sachin bat. I have not seen superman outside a comic book but I have seen sachin bat.

I have not seen God yet but I have seen sachin bat.

Let me tell you just one thing, There is nothing more beautiful in this world. Nothing at all.

Silence

The reason behind the lack of updates on this site can be summed up in two words : world cup. When all you do is to track the scorecard during the day and rush home in the evenings to catch whatever little action is left, you dont have much time left to do anything else least of all blog.

It feels great when sachin is in such fine form, isnt it ? I read a while back a stock broker proclaiming that the BSE sensex shoots up whenever sachin scores a century. Just the other day, I was reading an article saying the viewership on setmax goes down by 20 percent when sachin gets out. It is amazing how much power one man holds over the collective psyche of a nation. Is he the most popular man to have walked on the surface of the earth since Jesus ? If you go by just the sheer numbers of his fan following, I would say yes :-)

Masala gets a new url : netlife.tamizhan.com. From my referrer logs, I can see that people tend to make the mistake of thinking that the name masala implies content, the sort of which is found on sites like these ;-).

Last week, something interesting happenned on my site which even I failed to notice till yesterday. For some time now, I have given the option to advertise on my site. Never thought somebody would actually do so. So imagine my surprise when I found out that somebody has done just that. There is indeed an advertisement there now. So if you are not doing anything in particular, do go there and click on the ad. Since it is a CPC ad, I need to get another 25 odd clicks before I get money from my advertiser.

Thanks goes to my sponsor. I hope, you got something out of this and even better, keep doing this again and again :-)

Before I wrap up this entry, there is one surprise news. We had an impromptu indian blogger's meet yesterday at koramangala, bangalore :-). Shyam was in town. So was nilesh. Vignesh is always around. So we decided to meet up and the conversation went on expected lines atleast for me :-)

Shyam was the observer. He is a lot similar to apna vignesh, though to be fair to him, a lot quieter :-) Nilesh was the thinker and he reminds me of sreekanth. Both have a serious air to them though the smile is never far away. Suresh as always kept all of us smiling.

A major portion of the conversation was around my still to be released article titled Thrill Vs Peace. I have been teasing vignesh about this for a while now since he plays the main role of the thrill seeker. I get the author backed role of Peace Lover. This article is going to unleash the flame war to end all wars ;-) The moment I decide how to end this article, I will be publishing it. So stay tuned.

Anbe Sivam

When I started this journal a few months back, I had but a vague idea about what to write on these pages. The idea was to mostly write around the two topics close to my heart : Philosophy and Movies. Now Philosophy was a recurring theme during the early days of this site. But strangely other than just passing references to films, It was mostly relegated to the background.

Why did this happen ? It was not as if I was seeing fewer films. Infact, ever since we bought our VCD player, We have been absolutely living on films. The real reason was the fact that I did not see a single film which was worth writing about.

That changed last week.

I happened to see a film which was a perfect blend of philosophy, realistic acting and the fine art of film making. I am talking about the latest kamal - madhavan starrer Anbe Sivam.

Now, I am not a big fan of kamal. Never was. The arrogance so clearly etched on his face is a major put off for me. But ever so often, Kamal makes me admit ( albeit grudgingly ) that he is the best at what he does.

The philosophy of the film is best explained by the words of the title song,
...
Aathigam pessum adiyaarkelaam sivamme anbaakkum,
Naathigam pessum nallavarrukko anbe sivamaakkum.

Yaar yaar sivam ?
Nee naan sivam.

A rough translation goes something like this,

For the theists, God is love.
For the good among the atheists, Love is God.

Who here is God ?
You and me.


The story is written by Kamal as is the screenplay. He has sung a couple of songs as well out of which the haunting title song stands out. Madhavan is but a tool in kamal's hands which he uses effectively to his advantage.

Kamal's character changes from that of a bumbling idiot in the first few scenes to a communist union leader with a artistic vein in the middle scenes to a god like figure in the last few scenes. In the last scene, as kamal walks away into the horizon, we are left with no option but to stand up and salute the indomitable spirit of a man from whom life has taken away so much but still manages to smile.

I wouldn't describe anything more about the story because any words that I can conjure up here wouldn't be enough. The film tells a philosophy that is best seen and understood.

When Love lives in your mind, you are God.

Vijay Chegu

It must be one of God's greatest gifts. To be able to smile always.

Suresh has it. Now meet another who has the gift : Vijay Chegu.

Chegu is my anti-depressant. Whenever I feel lousy, I just go and sit beside him. Within minutes, I would catch myself smiling and soon some of his happiness would have rubbed off on me.

In a world where being a cynic has aquired fashionable proportions, It is indeed great to see someone who is genuinely happy. In a world where lines like enjoy life to the fullest are freely tossed around, it feels great to see someone who actually practises it.

Someone who is technically proficient, Chegu is a big lover of films and music. Psst... Rumour has it that Chegu is searching for a life partner. So if you are a girl and looking, you know where to go to find a sensitive young man wih brains ;-)

Ladies and Gentlemen, Join me in welcoming Chegu into the blogging community.

2003

Happy New Year.

Funny how things look different on days like this. It is a sad fact that the mind needs a reason to be happy. I wonder what it takes to be happy on all days. I guess, you have to be very young, a saint, mad or in love :-) Anyways, as long as there is a reason, let us go for it. Live it up this year, folks.

Here is hoping that a smile will be the only emotion that your face will wear all year.

I will leave you with a few lines from a lata mangeshkar classic,

Kaanton se keech ke yeh aanchal,
Tod ke bandan baandi paayal,
Koi na roko dil ki udaan ko,
Dil woh chalaa,
Aaaj phir jeene ki tamna hai.

The Bangalore Blogger's Meet.

It all started with a mistake.

Me and suresh went to the Prestige Meridien Coffee Day instead of the bombay store one :(. After carefully scrutinizing the crowd there, we came to the conclusion that the big fat guy smoking a cigarette and watching us intently was not Sathish :-)

It turned out that we were right for Sathish was patiently waiting for us on the steps of the Bombay store, with a warm smile on his lips. It is another fact that I ended up scanning him from top to bottom in the hope of finding a camera (which was what Arun was supposed to have in his hands) :-) Fortunately, Sathish indentified me correctly and so we got started on what was going to be a long night.

A few words about Sathish. An extremely warm and easy going guy, He is a pleasure to talk to. A genuine nice guy which is indeed the rarest of things in this kaliyug :-) We went about the first few minutes chattering about our jobs, blogs and what not. Soon it dawned on us that the others have not come yet. It is indeed frustrating to stand waiting for someone without knowing how the person whom you are waiting for looks like :( Anyway, at this moment, indra chose to make his entry. Since we know each other well, There was no problem in identification.

We continued our chat for well over twenty odd minutes only to notice that the time was around 6:40 and none of the others were in sight. At this point, by mere chance, I happened to notice a canon camera in the hands of a tall bearded guy. I must admit that at this point, overjoyed at finally seeing arun, I ran towards him and shouting his name. I dont know what went inside his head but he took a step backwards :-) Soon though, we shook hands with him and harris and found out to our great dismay that arun and harris were standing at the other side of the store from 6:00 PM onwards. A quick phone call to ayesha confirmed the fact that she was on her way. Soon she made her entry with a beige colored bag, the color of which was fiercely debated upon during the whole night :-)

So started the Bangalore Blogger's meet.

The next few minutes were spend on top floor of the bombay store discussing varied stuff like the color of ayesha's bag and the interesting birth date of harris ( Dec 25th ). Unfortunately, Sathish had to leave early lest sooraj throws a tantrum at not seeing his favourite person in the whole world :-)

We continued a few moments there and then decided to move to a place where we can get something to eat. After a lot of thought, we settled upon the ICH. The waiters were not exactly pleased when they saw a bunch of people walking in towards closing time and made their displeasure known by scaring ayesha :-)

At this point, I must digress and say a few things about the others. I have already talked about Sathish and chose not to talk about Suresh and Indra ( good friends :-) ).

Arun is a tall, well built, bearded guy with a serious air to him. He exudes a quiet confidence and a serious manner. A measured talk, a deep voice and a silent yet strong presence marks him out. He was ofcourse the photographer for the night. With his skills, We are all bound to look like bollywood heroes :-)

Harris is someone who reminds me very much of vignesh. I am sure they will become best buddies if and when they meet up. The best word to describe him will be cool. A genuinely funny person, he was making us all laugh with his interesting comments and funny one liners :-) I must say that he was a tad pre-occupied with all those pretty girls walking past us but hey so was I :-) Towards the end of the day or should I say the night, We even had a decent technical discussion. All in all, A really cool guy, just like his blog :-)

And finally, a bit about Ayesha, the oldest member of the group at 27. She is a librarian which incidentally is something that I wanted to be during my childhood days :-) She comes as a intelligent person with a learned background and a lot of reading behind her. Unfortunately, Since we were at opposite ends of the table, we couldn't get much time to talk during the whole meet.

During the course of the dinner at MCH Arun, Ayesha and Harris expressed an interest in starting a community blog centred around indians. I expressed doubts at whether this will take off since I already had a failed community blog behind me :-) What do you guys think ? Is it worth starting one ? Any ideas on that ?

So after finishing a small dinner at ICH, we parted ways in front of the foodworld with solemn promises of keeping in touch and meeting again.

All in all, A night to remember and hopefully the first of many to come.

Suresh Pallavur Hariharan.

At some time in our life, Every one of us must have taken a look at the mirror, hated what we saw and wished we were someone else. Sadly, I have had this occur to me on numerous occasions. I would always end up wishing I was more like one of the following two.

The first was my father.

The second is someone who goes by the name Suresh Pallavur Hariharan.

You must have heard me refer to him here as my bestest friend. On rare occasions, he has even commented on my site under the name God ( Dont even ask why he uses that name :-) ).

To say that we are different is to put things mildly. If I like something, it is more or less guarenteed that he will not like it and vice versa :-) Just a look at the colors used on respectives our sites is a good hint about our personalities. I prefer black. He prefers White. We are that different :-).

If I were to write an entry about the bad qualities in me, I am sure it is going to take more space than what my webhost provides me :-) It is easier to point at suresh and say that all the bad qualities that are missing in him is in me :-)

There are few recorded seconds in the history of Time when there has not been a smile on his face. Rarely ever have i seen him angry or say no when someone asks something or some help from him. All in all a truly nice guy.

After months of cajoling, I have finally persuaded him to start a blog. I am sure you will find him to be different from all other bloggers you have seen till now.

Hop over to suresh.tamizhan.com and start smiling.

Sweet Irony.

Aah, the sweet irony of it all.

A typical conversation between me and an office colleague on a friday evening.

He : “Lets go for a smoke, yaar”.
Me : “I dont smoke”.

He : “You have succeeded in quitting, is it ? I have been trying for years”.
Me : “I have never smoked, yaar”.

He ( with a raised eyebrow ) : “Maybe you have an allergy or something ? Anyway, chal lets go for a beer.”
Me : “I dont drink, yaar”.

He : “Hey, Beer is not alocohol!”.
Me : “Maybe, Anyway I dont drink it either”.

He : “Okaay, chal lets go to a disco and listen to some hard rock, maan”.
Me ( with a slight embarrassed smile ) : “I dont go to discos and as for music, I prefer Jagjit Singh”.

My friend takes a long hard look at me and gives me a look normally reserved for psycopaths.

Aah, the sweet irony of it all.

Fun, If you are a young bachelor in bangalore, has been predefined. If you dont do any of the above, It is automatically assumed that your life is boring.

People are not willing to admit that reading a book while listening to a few choice ghazals on a friday evening might be fun for atleast a few like me.

The in crowd has a few names for people like me : Nerd, Geek, Loser, Dweeb etc etc.

I remember telling my friend Baiju ( who is more or less like me in his tastes ) that something might have gone wrong in Brahma's Lab. We were supposed to have been born 30-40 years earlier rather than now.

It is a lot of fun to be labelled old fashioned at 24 :-)

Sachin Tendulkar.

In Kerala, We are used to periods of load shedding ( no electricity ) and low voltage when a hundred watt bulb starts to look like a night lamp.

It has been observed that the bulbs actually burn a bit brighter when Sachin gets out. Reason ? Hundreds of thousands of TVs are switched off the moment the maestro gets out. Amazing, isnt it ?

I have reached a point when I dont care whether India wins or loses. All I care about and want is to see sachin bat. There are few sights more beautiful than that in this world.

Today was yet another day which I spend glued to the TV whole day watching him bat. Thanks sachin for yet another smile on my face :-)

Keep going. One billion of us will be praying.

Sleeping On A Bench.

Yesterday, 6:45 PM.

The old school bus, doubling up as the AT&T shuttle bus in these difficult days, pulled into the parking lot of the usually deserted train station. The sole occupant of the bus, on his way out, exchanges a few pleasantries with the bored driver. He slowly makes his way to the Track no 2 to catch the New York bound train. It will be atleast 45 minutes before the train arrives.

In his hand, the young guy ( the sole occupant will be now onwards referred to as the young guy ) carried a plastic bag with a few sheets of paper in it. Extended waiting times at the train station had taught him to come prepared. It is his habit to print out a short story or two from the gutenburg site to read while waiting. However having exhausted most of the titles from the short story section, he had printed out a translation of the Bhagavad Gita on that particular day.

Having spend most of the day conducting training sessions for new developers taking over his project, the young guy was not in a mood to read. The wooden bench on the platform beckoned him to lay down his tired body in its lap and enjoy a few minutes of rest. Without a moment's hesitation, he streched his long lean body on the bench, using his bag as the pillow and closed his eyes for a small nap.

Unknown to him, on the opposite platform, a middle aged american picked a cellphone and made a call.

A couple of minutes later, a police car pulled into the train station. The young guy was woken up ( he was not really asleep in any case ) by the flashing lights of the car. He watched as a young clean shaved policeman came out of the car and looked around. The moment the policeman's eyes met that of the young guy, he started walking towards his direction. Not thinking much of it, the young guy continued in his horizontal position. When the policeman came and stopped in front of his bench, it dawned upon the young guy that the police man had indeed come to meet him.

This is what followed.

Policeman : “whats going on ?”.
Youngguy ( with a shrug ) : “Well, I am waiting for the train”.
Policeman : “I figured that”, with a cold stare.
Youngguy : “Well, why the question then ?”, with an attempt at a smile :).

The Policeman showed with an expression on his face that he was not in the least bit amused.

Policeman then asks, “whats your name ?”.
Youngguy : “anand”.

The Policeman's eyes drift towards the young guy's AT&T badge, pinned on his shirt, and find a different ( and in no way related ) name there.

Policeman : “Well, your badge here says something else”.

I ( now onwards the young guy will be referred to as I since as you would have guessed by now, he is me ) : “Well, Thats my real name. But since it is so long and difficult to pronounce, I use my nickname which is anand”.

The Policeman is not satisfied but still buys my argument.

Policeman ( now pulling out his notebook ) : “What is your home address ?”.

( I had recently moved from one apartment to a basement sharing arrangement with a friend. I only knew how to walk to my new place from my station and had no idea of the *actual* home address. )

I try to explain my above predicament.

Policeman ( getting annoyed now ) : “What is your home phone number ?”.

I did not have a phone for my personal use and had no idea about the owner's number.

Policeman : “Show me another id, Please”.

I did not have any other.

Policeman ( getting a bit frustrated here ) : “What is your Social Security Number ?”.

Me : “I dont remember :(”.

Policeman ( now getting really irritated ) takes a look at my plastic cover : “What is in there ?”.

I say,“Just a few printouts” and hand it over to him.

Policeman opens it casually to find the title on the first page saying Bhagavad Gita. Now getting increasingly interested in me, he says “Do you always carry the Gita with you?”

I say defensively, “I just printed it out to read while waiting for the train.”

Policeman asks me many more questions during the course of which I blurt out ( quite honestly, I must add ) that I am flying from JFK next week.

The three letters, JFK, had an electric effect on the Policeman.

He walked a few steps away, pulled out his walkie talkie and called ( presumably ) his superiors.

I ( watching this scene from a distance ) was getting a wee bit worried. My position definetely looked bad.

A couple of minutes later, a bigger police car made its way into the now slightly crowded parking lot. A big fat guy and an old wise ( the reason for him being called a wise guy will become clear in a few lines from now ) guy got out.

A few more questions later, We still dont reach anywhere. There is nothing on me to prove who I am and nobody nearby to tell them I really am what I claim I am.

The three men start an internal discussion at a small distance from me.

The young policeman says “We must detain him until we can verify his id.”.

The old wise guy takes a look at me and says, “He doesnt look suspicious”.

All three look at my direction. I put on my best smile and try to bring an expression onto my face which says that I am the nicest guy on planet earth :-) The three men realising that I have overheard their conversation walk away a bit further with a sheepish grin on their faces.

An even longer discussion ensues with a lot of shaking heads and gestaculating hands. I watch in rapt attention while three men discuss about who I really am.

Finally, the three men walk towards me with the old guy leading the way.

He asks me a strange question. “Where you sleeping on the bench ?”.

I reply in the positive.

He replies with a weak attempt at humour. “People dont do that in these places.”

I raise an eyebrow and say nothing.

It seems a gentleman ( the middle aged american on the other platform ? ) had called in to report a suspicious character. With a friendly warning to carry an id with me whenever I go out, he wished me good night and walked away with the other two.

and I turn back and walk, in the land of free, unable to sleep on a bench.

you and me.

11:00 AM monday morning.
I am sitting in a small room in the farthest corner of a big office. Work is waiting for me with the quiet confidence of a mistress waiting for her lover. I ignore her for the time being. She smiles, fully aware that I will be hers quite soon.

I look around. The empty room stares back at me. We lock eyes for a while and then i turn back to my screen. I can hear Paranoia waiting outside, biding his time. He has already send in his twin minions, silence and loneliness. Now he is waiting for the right time to attack.

I decide to do something fast to snap out of this mood. I come online to hang out on my site. I find nobody. I can see depression approaching from behind. I dare not turn back. I stand still and utter a silent prayer for someone to talk to.

and then you come.

I search inside and put on the brightest smile i get from my heart's closet. With a thumping heart, I approach you without the slightest hint of what I am going to say.

You get a little scared. An abundance of interest from a stranger is always a cause of worry. You step back a little and wonder whether you should run. You decide to give the guy a chance to talk. You never know unless you give the other a chance.

I come and stand before you. Not knowing where to start, i manage a “hi, i am anand”. I struggle for words knowing well that your time is limited and I have to make an impression fast.

Realising the state i am in, you put on an encouraging smile and say,“anand, Tell me .. What shall we talk about ?”

I feel a little relaxed. I look inside and take out my beloved topic. I say,“Well, normally, I talk about God and Philosophy on these pages ... ”

You get scared. You wonder, whether you are wasting your time here. Still, you decide to stick around a little more time. You say, “God is for the old, the dying, the desperate and the poor. Let us talk about something else, naa ?”.

I can hear Paranoia laughing somewhere in the distance. He knows me better than anyone else. I struggle to maintain my composure as I search within my bag of topics. I pick out Psycology and show it to you with a weak smile. You start to shake your head and begin to walk towards the URL exit. Now I can feel the cold breath of the fast approaching Paranoia. I frantically search and pull out a couple of old poems. You glance through them and find that they talk mostly about lonely souls and unrequited love. With a final shake of your head, you click your way through the URL exit with your key(board). Moments away from paranoa, I still have the time to notice your pet mouse clicking away in your hand as if mocking me.

I now resign myself to my fate. I turn back and walk towards Paranoia. In the distance, I hear the approaching footsteps of another visitor. I hesitate to turn around and talk, knowing fully that I will make a fool of myself ( yet again ). The alternative is to have myself for company accompanied by my ever present companions, silence, loneliness and paranoia.

I stand there, trapped between you and me.

Ezhuthapurangal.

Christ Nagar, Kowdiar : March, 1989.

9:00 AM in the morning.

A chaotic scene unfolds before you. A bunch of kids trying to cram that last piece of information into their already overloaded brains. A few parents who have accompanied their kids to share their pain in this moment of agony, stand beside helpless. The teachers having taken a sadistic pleasure in preparing the most gruesome method of torture known to a kid and going by the name of Examination stand in front of the room gleefully rubbing their hands in anticipation of the first bell.

In the farthest corner of the mail hall, You see a small kid with a smile on his face. From his looks, he must be in the fifth standard. Maybe, sixth.

A kid smiling before the examination ? Something is definetely not right here. Your immediate concern is to whether he has gotten hold of a leaked question paper.

You decide to take a closer look. You find the eyes closed and a dazed expression lingering on the kid's face. Hesitant to break the emotion but driven by a desire to know the reason for the smile, you gently tap on the kid's shoulder. The kid comes to his senses with a start. The conversation goes like this.

“I know, I have no right to ask. But i would like to know the reason behind your smile”. You ask hesitantly.

“My parents have promised to buy me a Hero Cycle once the holidays start. I was day dreaming about cycling through the Pattom main road”, The kid says with a sheepish smile.

and you walk away with a whimsical smile wondering about the vagaries of the human mind.

Yes. I was promised a cycle. A month and a thousand day dreams later, I was told, for a variety of reasons that I will not have it that year.

Being cursed with an over active imagination, My mind works like an yet to be discovered time machine. You give me a little to hope, a promise of something in the future and then I switch on this thing called imagination and proceed to live out the future in full techni-color inside my mind. I create a world of my own, decorate it with my dreams and feed it with my hopes.

That year, Time taught me a lesson. To wait for the future.

Sadly, I was busy day dreaming about the cycle ( which now was to come next year ) when the lesson was delivered and paid no heed to it.

Last Week, I took an imagined flight to india and landed among my loved and dear ones. Behind closed eyes, I had seen a month ahead and felt a joy for an event yet to occur.

Yesterday, Mr.Time delivered the age old lesson of “Dont build castles in the air” again to me.

Yesterday, I was told that I am not going anywhere atleast till the end of the year and maybe till summer next year. My plane had crashed before it took off. All for a few dollars more.

But then, I am not a little kid any more, to accept everything that others decide for me. Today, I have started a chain of events which hopefully will culminate in my still making that flight.

Do pray for me.

10,000 Watt smile !

I am going to buy this one as soon as i land back in India which incidentally is not very far away.

On October 2nd, if you happen to see a huge glow emanating from the Trivandrum airport, dont get scared because that is just my 10,000 Watt smile :-)